I neeed to renew my Spotify premium haha. It’ll be a week before I canso I’m going silent for most of my walks now, lest I spend my data to listen to music.

More space on my phone though, which is a good thing. I will see later if the silence does me some good while walking.

Of course I’ll still pretend to be listening to songs by wearing earphone haha.


Patience Paradox

This is the first time that I found the phrase “patience is a virtue” to be erroneous.

I think the universe conspired against me this week.

I went 0 for 3 for all planned and unplanned meets with my friends.

As if the conventional and supernatural world worked against me. I was at the bottom of my luck.

First, in anticipation to a lunch, I fell asleep super late (not having taken meds to sleep because it makde me hibernate) and it still had me sleep through the lunch.

Totlly embarassing but at first I decided to shake it off.

The next day, I was meeting a friend in makati and I was already there but for some reason we didn’t recieve each other’s messages. I had waited sitting in a park bench, and I did so until it wasn’t fun anymore. That took around 2 and a half hours.

What was sad then was not that I had to wait (which could happen) but the degree my patience showed me how little I valued my time. It took me a little over 2 hours to be pushy and text whats up or even consider messaging. Turns out I should’ve just called but it was crazy how it all happened and how stupendously patient I’ve become.

I kind of don’t like it in as much as I used to do it so much before for my ex. That’s where I learned it I guess, used to wait 2-3 hours for her, and even for that if I was any late she’d be mad haha.

Finally, today the universe conspired to waste my time again, this time even while being pushy. Strike three to my attempts at socializing then.

I just wish luck was like a force, whwre inertia would apply. Wherein for every bout of misfortune, an equal and opposite push of luck would apply.

This is why its hard to make light of the little things. Hmn.

A love beyond

It took next to nothing for my bashful heart to lock on to you.

The idea of you and its perfection had me running even before everything began.

There was just you and your qurikiness then, I had yet to know everything there was about you. But as cliches go, the more I did the deeper I fell.

It took all of my being to realize that I had to be more than passionate, at first. There was more to loving than fire and fireworks. I learned to be calm, be patient and completely and unconditionally understanding. I directed my energy towards fulfilling one small simple goal, that seemed to mean everything
: that I wanted to make you happy.

It didn’t matter how big or small the gesture. I was addicted to the idea of seeing you smile because of me. Seeing you soar and reach new heights. To see you win was so satisfying.

All the while, I wanted my love to reach you.

I wonder now, after everything (and this time it isn’t just an expression) has been said and done, I wonder if it reached you.

I wonder now, a year in.. does it still reach you?

Have I managed to make it so that even as you grow old, i’d be an anecdote or a flittering memory that still grips your heart with glee or longing?

Or has it faded as a distant memory, replaced by new ones as easily as you forget a dream.

I know now that in my best and my worst, I never stood a chance.

But would you take it against me if I said I still love you the way I did since the beginning? I still want to see you soar, to win and succeed. I still want to see your smile and for you to be truly happy.

Even if I know that it won’t be you and me anymore.

I guess this is my way of saying I love you as more than a friend but never anything more.

I love you with a love that does not long for you, but cares completely. I do not miss your presence, but I long for your company. I want to see you happy, even if it isn’t exactly part of my job anymore.

As I once said that I love you with a love that moves the earth and calms the seas, now I love you like the earth loves the sky and the sun loves the moon. That even though we may never meet that way again, I know that you’ll live in my heart forever.


When empty days
Turn into empty nights
The sky goes from majestic
To a starless sight

I wonder how in times so dire
Would dreamers fight
To escape this mire
For from this absence of the light

The line does blur from what is right
In search of twinkle of whichever shine
From whose shimmer we’ll get the might
To make even this blank sky mine

Truantthoughts 5

It seems I am having great difficulty writing.

Perhaps it is a side effect of not feeling to much, because words resonate feelings.

I have a singular goal, and well, that is to survive. People tell me that “this will pass” or that I have to “ride it out” like its a rollercoaster on rusty tracks. I don’t know if I believe them.

Remember back in the dial-up days of the internet when we could joke about percentages of downloading items as fluctuating? I kind of feel like that.

I am tired of inviting people out too. I don’t think I’d be able to talk to them about anything. People usually say “they’re always just here” to make me feel secure, but frankly most times I don’t need security, I need to be happy.

Is that such a millenial thing to say? Do people really need to be “happy”? Or is it a new idea that people yearn for happiness when most just become happy with what they have?

As if a foreign concept, perhaps the idea is to be “truly happy”, and that is when you are happy regardless of your position in life.

In order to do so though, we have to be able to assign meaning to things on a whim, or not need to assign meaning at all.

Don’t those describe broken people? Or it doesn’t I’m just the one that’s messed up.

I dunno.

#92 Synesthesia

Your sounds are like flowers
Lying on an orchard road
Your touch is like a rainbow
On a cloudless day

Your smile like melody
To a song that needs no words
Your stare like sweetness
I could never get enough

And you ask me why
I still trust my senses

Its just that even though they’re jumbled
I know all you are is good