That Day When I Forgot to Sleep

The path to certainty is lonely.

Its about zoning out and skipping time, with memories just flashing forward through important points of the day.

Thesis defense.
Awkward moments.
Playing games.
Walking tipsy.
Helping out.

Then its 4AM and morning.

There isn’t a wink of sleep in me.

So its another set of flashes, each faster and more surprisingly time-advancing than the others.

Casual talks.
Productive exchanges.
A morning run.
Time counting down.
Mind missing sleep.

The heart hangs low as a slump overcomes everything.
Its a little over 10AM now.

I am within an existential crisis.

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#34 Kanina

Kung iyong tatanungin
Ang sagot ay kanina
Sa sarili ay inamin
Nung tayo’y magkasama

Sa gitna ng panaginip
At sa pagmulat ng mata
Mula sa pagbukas ng isip
At sa susunod na pagkikita

Ang sagot ay kanina
Hanggang sa bawat twina
Dahil di ngayon lamang
Ang aking nadarama

Ang sagot sa tanong
Na pinangunahan ko pa yata
Sa posibleng tanong
Sa sinabi kong talata

Na di na tulad ng dati
Ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo
Dahil dumadagdag lang parati
Lagpas sa aking mapagtanto

Mula kanina,
Hanggang sa susunod na mamaya
Ang sagot sa katanungan mong
Kailan pa, kailan pa?

Rather

It started with an offer of water and getting to know. She was that tipsy girl across the crowded room. The light was green then, neon to productions made minutes prior. She looked so pretty in her red clothes. It didn’t even make sense, the deal was that single people would wear blue and I heard from your friends that you were nothing but.

It actually probably started way earlier. It might’ve been that time waiting for the bus in that dark parking lot. No one the wiser, everyone strangers. Hers was the face I saw, and instantly, my fears recede and the mind fluttered.

It was like the sun was meant to rise sweeter that day. As if it weren’t its job and it wasn’t expected to pass night to day. It was like the sun chose to rise that moment, so I could better see her face.

Then I return to our little moment. I was fuelled by an insurmountable amount of palm sweat and awkward utterances. The light changed red the moment you looked at me, as I was asking if you’d want water. I said something stupid like “I thought you needed water.”

Of course she did, she’s a human being for heck’s sake. I thought blindly and through a gritted smile.

The lights then turned crimson, somewhere along maroon and purple, and she said “No, I’m okay.”

I fumbled and placed the glass of water over by the table near her side.

I asked her, If I could get to know her. She smiled softly and then averted her gaze, that thing she did when she’s flustered or uncomfortable, balling up her hands and covering the side of her lips. She motioned to utter something.

…and it might’ve been the buzz of the drink that left the bitter metallic taste of coins and pineapple in my mouth, but I did not seem to hear her reply.

I did not hear it, but I sure did feel it.

Like a twig that broke under the weight of a giant that treads the world.

Like a deep gash, however inflicted, that hurt so much that it stopped hurting altogether.

Like a storm that raged on my world that was trodden to begin with.

She said, I think, for I do not remember the words, that “I’d rather not” and I felt, at the beginning of an eternity of feeling, that though the word ‘rather’ implies a set of circumstances so perfect in nature that she might’ve said yes, that perhaps, in the midst of the four syllables uttered between singing music so loud, that she probably never will.

Dream Journal: SLAP

Kat wanted to slap me. That was the pervading thought.

As we sat in that place, was it a bar? Perhaps a toy store? I think it was first a bar then a toy store. I was there visiting her and John. They were talking to me like I was a regular. Some other people were there, they were also chatting with me. I don’t remember who.

Kat was saying something about her owing me a few slaps for ‘what I did’ for which I don’t remember much. I said “Whyyyy?” and tried to ignore the issue. John talked to me about how it was nice to see me.

Then I talked with another person, and I must’ve said something nice, because she laughed and laughed and inadvertently ‘happy’ slapped me in the face. Kat said something about her being a ‘slap slut’ or something to that effect. I thought it was uncalled for and something along the lines of slap shaming haha. Whatever that meant.

Then, after that, I decided to let Kat slap me. And she did, 4 times. In dreams slaps don’t really hurt, but I felt like she wasnt really into it. Or like it was Kat so her slaps weren’t that hard. She said something about needing that and about being even. I said something about the slaps really hurting (even though i knew it didnt) but I hoped that she felt better. We talked about freedom and stuff we get to do, and they talked about being locked in their jobs. Then I guess something in my subconscious slipped and the discussion got heated. John was then asking me why I had the audacity to tell the regional director that I wasn’t in my area. I thought about how I texted or emailed that I wasn’t when I was asked for correspondence (of course in dreams) and I said, “Does it really come down to this? That lying is the only solution when the clear yet unpopular option is to say the truth?” I really considered it as such, since I defended myself and said that I always am not in my area only and only because of my seminars.

They walked out.

I felt left alone, but then this toy fortress started buzzing and whirring like it was moving. I was sure for a while that it was a helicopter going into this oddly moving lego castle. I fixated for a while. My dream cut to another again where I saw myself waiting for the chaotic occurrence to end.

Then there were a lot of toys, most from my childhood. Tamiya cars and furbys and giant pikachu stuff toys.

What a weird dream about a slap and toys.

#33 Impossible

I feel like I can catch air
Cup it in my hands
Drink it in like I would water

I feel like I can be everywhere
Walk and see everything
Like distance is a fantasy

I feel like I can stop time
Appreciate the singular seconds
Making it count me

I’d feel strong enough to catch lightning
Or block out the thunder
Make it rain or storm even harder

All this I feel
When you are near
As if nothing will ever be bigger a deal

Than making you smile
Making you happy
Making everything, possible.

Halang

Kay dilim ng ulap na nakatakip sa buwan na buong-buo at maniningning. Tumatagos sa kaibuturan ng buto ang lamig, na tila di na kailanman iinit pa ang mundo. Ang oras ay mabagal na mabilis. Sa panahong nag-iisip ay napakabagal, at sa panahong nagdarasal para sa mas mahabang oras pa, tila tumatalon ang oras na di nakuunawa.

Di maisa-isip ang nais, di maramdaman ang dapat at gusto.

Sakto lamang ang dilim sa labas, may ilaw mula sa poste ng kalsada at na-aaninag ang mga kaganapan sa mga kwarto’t tirahan ng mga kapit-bahay. Walang ingay liban sa hagip ng malamig na hangin. Ang ulap ay tila bumababa sa kamunduhan.

Isang salita lamang ang pumasok sa aking isip: Halang.

Ang salitang halang, ayon sa paglagay ng impit, ay maaring mag-ibig sabihin na:
1. HA-lang: Balakid tulad sa “nakaHA-lang ang gamit” o kaya nama’y humiga ng horizontal tulad ng “Pa-HA-lang”
2. Ha-LANG: Malinaw tulad ng “Ha-LANG ang kaluluwa” o kaya naman ay tiyak or certain tulad sa “Ha-LANG ang desisyon”

Balakid o kalinawan. Hambalang o katiyakan. Nakahalang sa tuwid na daraanan.

Ang lamig ng gabi at ng simoy ng hangin.

Ang kalabuan ba ng kamunduhan ay katiyakan? o halang ang ulap sa daan tungo sa kalinawan?

Laging walang tamang sagot. Mas lalo lang malalala na walang tamang sasagot.

#32 Lunar

As the tide
Says farewell to the sea
And laps the sands
Of luxury

So too shall hand
Clasp heart and soul
To tear away
This piece of me

To offer fast
To one that means
Beyond all reason,
Like gravity, to me

So on the day
The moon sets to sleep
That piece of sea
That piece of me

Will stay forever
Lunar.